The Screaming Child in the Boardroom

The Architecture of Attention

We have all seen the scenario, or lived it ourselves: A parent tries to take an important phone call while a bored child is in the room. Even if the child was sitting quietly playing or watching TV, as soon as they hear the phone ring, they start demanding attention.

But, if the parent prepares the child—by having someone else briefly available to them, or giving them a snack, or setting up a short, highly engaging activity—they are free to take the phone call.

It is the same for leaders. If you have prepared yourself—by authentically identifying what you want and taking steps toward its fulfillment—you can then sit in the next meeting more or less totally available for another person or a group of people.

The Audit of Wants

That is what we do in our practice. We start with you voicing your values. But for me, the better way of identifying values is for you to answer the question: What do you want?

This question raises a lot of old baggage. For those of us who were not listened to previously, we may not know how to listen to ourselves. Listening to ourselves now may remind us that we were not listened to before. We might feel sad, angry, or just plainly not know how to do it.

But fortunately, most of us are pretty goal-driven and happy to learn new things, even when what we are learning is challenging or painful. So, stick with it through whatever it brings up.

The Protocol

For people who have overworked—you may not have any idea what you want. That is also OK. Step into the process wherever you are. I often find for myself this is at the very least a week-long process.

I start at the beginning of a week identifying a potential list—the things I think I want. I get a large piece of paper. I divide it into columns with headings: personal, professional, financial, family, partner—and ask quietly.

In the first draft, I do not spend a lot of time evaluating the "rightness" of what emerges. Be thorough. Give yourself the courtesy of plenty of time.

Then, a week later, I revisit the list. Whereas previously I found most of the items compelling, this time I am not interested in some of them. I confirm that others are indeed important to me. And, I realize that I forgot a few, or some new ones have occurred to me.

With that list in mind, we start a second or a third coaching session. I ask you: What do you want?

This list is your values. What do you value in life? What are you willing to fight for? What gets your desires going?

Sometimes we think of values as things or ideas that we were taught in Sunday school, at temple, or in a mosque. We categorize them as "oughts." But accomplishing your life takes a ton of energy and drive. The impetus behind that drive is not an idea. It is your soul; it is the reason that you have been given this life to live.

The Quiet Mind

Part of the work we will do after you identify your drives is guide your plan to accomplish your wants.

Sometimes this means identifying new goals to strive for. But often, it simply means confirming that the hard work you are doing right now is actually leading you toward your personal goals.

Whether you are building a new path or confirming your current one, the result is the same: the internal noise quiets down. Because you know your own drives are being attended to, you don't have to obsess over them.

The Payoff: Non-Defended Leadership

In the midst of this process, an unexpected magic emerges.

You tend to yourself—like the parent who prepares the child. Because you are tending to yourself—assuring you understand your drives—suddenly you are freed to be curious about those around you.

Curiosity is a key attribute of an effective leader. Curiosity creates safety because it cannot be done without inner stability, and by its very nature, it is not controlling. After you tend to yourself, you are less defended, non-reactive. And present.

When you are present to what is happening outside of you, your reflexes are quick, intuitive, helpful, wise. You are in your role because of your strategic and technical expertise. When you are non-defended and present, you are able to use it easily.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or establish a coach-client relationship.